I see the million questions in their eyes, especially those who I open up to, those who, as far as I know, care. A sense of wondering about what my pain really is. Because to them it makes no sense, how can I be in so much pain, what is it that is causing me to experience this amount of pain. Usually they refrain from asking, and some eventually build up the courage and do, reluctantly though, afraid that this might come off as insensitive, judgmental or might hurt my sensitive nature. What they do not understand is that I am not sensitive, I’m very strong, and I am in pain regardless of what they ask or not, regardless of how I show up. Here is what they do not understand about being me: This is me trying my best, this is me leaving no rock unturned to find an answer that makes sense and fits into accepted reasoning. In the beginning, it was a search for an answer that would still look good, and then it became a search for anything no matter how ugly. And I did find many answers on this quest, mainly for other pains and discomforts in my life. I helped myself out of a darkness I thought I’d never escape, and into daylight, changing a lot of who I was conditioned to be. But my pain was there with me, accompanying me as I walked into more light. And eventually, although this will sound strange, but this pain kept me warm. Because it turned out to be something deeper than my truth and deeper than who I ever was or ever will be. It is beyond the limitations of when, where, and how. I am not in pain because I am weak, unexperienced, spoiled, hypersensitive, dreamy, seeing the other side greener, under achieved, ashamed, or incapable. The opposite is true, some of these things seem to be there because the pain is loud. I have heard it all and, took it all into consideration, each and every one of them. I was desperate for an answer. Comparing what I felt, against theories that made so much sense. Theories coming from joyful people, who seem to know the secret road to happiness. Thinking to myself: “That’s it! I solved it. I’ll be pain free after I implement these new strategies, thought processes or lifestyle adjustments into my reality.” None work. They work for building a better life, a road to success. But then, when left with myself repeatedly, I realize I was comparing my soul against theories and formulas, my soul! …The essence of who we are, the ultimate truth that is tucked deep inside, layered by everything we build for ourselves in this material dimension. Our truth, I like calling it that. Where the pain lies. I am beginning to believe this pain is present in anyone alive, but they are unaware of it. Or if some have it and some not, I know that our Truth stretches and extends into the universe and into existence because of the pain; it is a feeling of longing. For God, someone, somewhere, a time, I don’t know. Or maybe, I do know, but unsure. But I think it’s for God. I am sure, however, how the pain extends me, and seeks something outside of my tangible reality, how it keeps me alive and kills me softly. How it longs every waking hour, and never stops, and it only occasionally gives me a break where I feel like those I’ve always admired. But it’s short lived, and I realize that maybe it didn’t leave, maybe it was just covered by the layers of what I was building for myself in this dimension.

But there are those times the pain keeps me warm, I had mentioned them, they are those moments the pain stops in many ways, and changes into a different form , into a pain that is joyful, that is calm that is complete and completes me, that makes me whole. Those moments when it carries me with it, and I find myself in God’s words. Or I find myself in prostration. And only then everything becomes still, and I think to myself: “I solved it.”

-Empath